Parting Glance

IT MUST BE STOPPED!!!

OK frozen ones, let's give the ol'caption contest another whirl, shall we? Just to get you started, here are a couple that came to me:

"It's all fun and games until somebody loses a carrot"

"We've got a massive cold front sweeping in from Airport Heights"

"This is what happens when you let nature run wild."

Got an idea? Post it as a comment.

P.S, Here are a few more captions from wits all across America:
"Take me to your heater"

"Has anyone seen my gloves? All I can find are these stupid mittens."

"The day the snow stood still"

"Begich... Stevens... I don't care. I'll kick anybody's a**"

The Muni takes Snowzilla down

Uncommon Wisdom #4

If you believe that bigger is better, click Clayton

Best Wishes to Frozen Grinners for 2009

Timing is everything

Uncommon Wisdom installment 3

(Want the insight bigger? Click on image to enlarge)

Fixer-upper cartoon! Caption Contest

(Click cartoon to enlarge) To submit a caption, click "comments". To merely submit, do nothing.

If you can't say anything nice about someone...

Occasionally people will ask "Don't you ever have anything nice to say about anyone?" Just so I can say "Yes" I'd like to put this on the record. It's my tribute to Buddy D.


Let me put it this way: I have a 22-foot tall statue of Buddy in my front yard. Bronze.
Buddy saved me from a Siberian Tiger when he was 4, and I was 19. It's now that rug he has in his entryway. I can show you the scars, but we'll have to go to Buddy's house because they're all on him.

When we were in elementary school, Buddy would give me his lunch. Then later, on the playground, he would defend me from bullies even though he was weakened by hunger. Many of these bullies were headed for a life of trouble. But now they are functioning adults that are contributing to society. Why? Because they are afraid if they stray from the straight and narrow, Buddy will give them another whipping. The rest have never been found.

When I as in college, Buddy used to fly up from Hollywood, and take my exams for me. Thanks to Buddy I graduated Cum Laude, Phi Beta Kappa, and Ex Post Facto. Buddy had a nervous breakdown, but fortunately for me, he quickly recovered, and got me through my PHD, although I never even applied to grad school.

Buddy donated both his kidneys to me, and now he can't drink anymore, but I can drink twice as much as I used to, because now I have four, count 'em four freakin' kidneys.

When I was arrested for assault, Buddy took the case, and when he lost, disguised himself as me and did the time. Then he hacked the state computer and put the rap on his record.

When the Exxon Valdez hit the Rocks, Buddy saved me and the rest of Alaska by swallowing the 11 million gallons of spilled oil. Then he swam to Connecticut and puked it all over then-Exxon CEO Lee Raymond.
Buddy does have a tendency to fly off the handle and punch paparazzi from time to time, but don't we all do that?

I could go on, but Buddy is also modest, and I don't want to embarrass him. Anyway, you get the point. I am perfectly willing to say something nice about someone, provided they meet the standard set by the one and only Buddy D.

(Thanks to Jae Shin for inspiration.)

Under the sign of the Bull: The correction I've been waiting to write

Despite what many say, the people who put out the newspaper really are concerned with finding the truth and printing it as accurately as possible. Not only is it the mission, it's the meal ticket. People won't buy a newspaper that is careless of the facts or out of touch with reality. Unless the paper is waaaaay out of touch with reality. Hence tabloids with scoops like: "Jen leaves Brad for Bat Boy"

Bat Boy aside, most journalists work hard to find the facts. And when they make a mistake, they try to correct the record. Which is painful. To write a correction is to brand oneself with a scarlet letter for being unfaithful to the mission to which all serious journalists pledge themselves. This above all: To thy reader be true.

Oh, except they are happy to publish unbridled superstitious nonsense regularly in the horoscopes. Journalists are proud of maxims like "If your mother says she loves you, check it out." But if some crackpot claims it's written in the stars, print it.

It's eerie. For all the millions of words of copy astrologers publish, I have not seen one correction. It's long past time to set the record straight.


CORRECTION:

It has come to our attention that yesterday's horoscope contained numerous errors. Unusual sun spot activity in combination with negative energy from the nation's 401k plans distorted the information written in the heavens and led to a series of inaccuracies we wish to correct. And yes, we should have predicted it, but let he who is without sin etc. etc... Let's get this over with.

Aries: You cannot achieve a goal that in the past seemed impossible. It is in fact, impossible. It was however an auspicious day for nursing a grudge and sulking.

Taurus: On more careful reading, the time was not ripe to demand that long overdue raise. What were we thinking?

Gemini: OK, so it wasn't a good day to discuss finances with your spouse. We're sorry she left. But face it, if you're taking financial advice from an astrology column, is it any surprise she split? The stars say you are a LOSER.

Cancer: The line reading "Today's grueling task will take all that you've got, but you are up to it." was fine up to the word "are" which should have been followed by the word "not".

Leo: The lion? Who is kidding whom here?

Virgo: Oops! We switched your prediction with Libra. Nobody is trying to kill you. Relax.

Libra: See Virgo, above... oh that's right, you can't. You're dead.


Scorpio: We were close on this one, a long-lost relative was going to leave you an unexpected windfall. Unfortunately he was cleaned out in a Nigerian email scam.

Sagittarius: Let's put it this way- We told you today was going to be an "8". We meant "-8".

Capricorn: Sorry, Capricorn, our lawyer has advised us to take the fifth here.

Aquarius: Hah! We got this one right! One out of twelve ain't bad.

Pices: Well, we admit this was bad advice, but really Pices, you should take some of the blame. Only an idiot would believe "Today is a good day to have unprotected sex with an in-law." We regret the error as much as you do.