Friday, November 28, 2008

Under the sign of the Bull: The correction I've been waiting to write

Despite what many say, the people who put out the newspaper really are concerned with finding the truth and printing it as accurately as possible. Not only is it the mission, it's the meal ticket. People won't buy a newspaper that is careless of the facts or out of touch with reality. Unless the paper is waaaaay out of touch with reality. Hence tabloids with scoops like: "Jen leaves Brad for Bat Boy"

Bat Boy aside, most journalists work hard to find the facts. And when they make a mistake, they try to correct the record. Which is painful. To write a correction is to brand oneself with a scarlet letter for being unfaithful to the mission to which all serious journalists pledge themselves. This above all: To thy reader be true.

Oh, except they are happy to publish unbridled superstitious nonsense regularly in the horoscopes. Journalists are proud of maxims like "If your mother says she loves you, check it out." But if some crackpot claims it's written in the stars, print it.

It's eerie. For all the millions of words of copy astrologers publish, I have not seen one correction. It's long past time to set the record straight.


It has come to our attention that yesterday's horoscope contained numerous errors. Unusual sun spot activity in combination with negative energy from the nation's 401k plans distorted the information written in the heavens and led to a series of inaccuracies we wish to correct. And yes, we should have predicted it, but let he who is without sin etc. etc... Let's get this over with.

Aries: You cannot achieve a goal that in the past seemed impossible. It is in fact, impossible. It was however an auspicious day for nursing a grudge and sulking.

Taurus: On more careful reading, the time was not ripe to demand that long overdue raise. What were we thinking?

Gemini: OK, so it wasn't a good day to discuss finances with your spouse. We're sorry she left. But face it, if you're taking financial advice from an astrology column, is it any surprise she split? The stars say you are a LOSER.

Cancer: The line reading "Today's grueling task will take all that you've got, but you are up to it." was fine up to the word "are" which should have been followed by the word "not".

Leo: The lion? Who is kidding whom here?

Virgo: Oops! We switched your prediction with Libra. Nobody is trying to kill you. Relax.

Libra: See Virgo, above... oh that's right, you can't. You're dead.

We were close on this one, a long-lost relative was going to leave you an unexpected windfall. Unfortunately he was cleaned out in a Nigerian email scam.

Sagittarius: Let's put it this way- We told you today was going to be an "8". We meant "-8".

Capricorn: Sorry, Capricorn, our lawyer has advised us to take the fifth here.

Aquarius: Hah! We got this one right! One out of twelve ain't bad.

Pices: Well, we admit this was bad advice, but really Pices, you should take some of the blame. Only an idiot would believe "Today is a good day to have unprotected sex with an in-law." We regret the error as much as you do.


  1. Now everything makes total sense! Julia

  2. Total sense?? I must have explained it TOO well!